THE NARCISSISM MACHINE

The FCC is that lovely little organization born of the government’s hatred and fear of the Constitution’s First Amendment. Consisting of five members (currently three) the FCC gets to decide what you are old enough to hear and see on radio and television. This institution contains appointed, not elected officials, that have the power to decide for us what is appropriate. I think that’s worth repeating. The Federal Communications Commission is comprised of appointed officials, meaning you have no say in it’s membership. However, it’s certain whiny cocksuckers like a lot of you that are to blame for it’s existence.

The people I’m talking about are the morons who watch TV shows that offend them, and read literature that they find insulting (me calling this page literature makes it seem more legitimate doesn’t it?) and then complain about how hurtful and disgusting it was. You might not notice it today since freedom of choice has become a special skill worthy of appearing on a résumé, but you actually do have the power to choose what you want to view. The fact that TV shows throw a disclaimer up before the show starts is just an added bonus. They’re actually wasting precious air time in order to communicate to you that you might be offended! Unless somebody has forced your eyes open and focused your retinae on offensive material, the responsibility of what you view lies with you. It isn’t the writers fault that you were offended by an article in the magazine “Tits, Dicks, Rectums and Dildos”. If any of those words are subjects you’d prefer not to hear about, then why open the magazine? If you’re purposely going to read offensive material, it’s your own fault. The FCC doesn’t have any control over books and magazines, but the crying and complaining about offensive content only supports the need for an institution limiting our freedom of speech, and censoring the violence, sex and profanity that most of the country loves. And it only pushes it a little closer to censoring books, magazines, newspapers and the internet.

The argument that the FCC is necessary because “Children shouldn’t be subjected to some of the abominations on television” is a steaming pile of goat shit, because your children are exactly that. YOUR children. They aren’t mine, they aren’t your neighbor’s and they aren’t the government’s (even though we are technically the property of the government. If there’s Federal mandates against suicide, the government has ownership of our lives.) They’re yours. Nobody but you or the people you’ve approved have the responsibility to dictate what your kid watches or reads. If you don’t like it that your kid is watching South Park when he’s seven years old, how about you do some parenting. Maybe send the monstrously obese little fuck outside to play. It might do him some good. Every time you cry about your kid watching violent TV shows, the FCC gets it’s dick a little bit deeper into your colon.

You want the FCC to go away? Stop handing your responsibilities to the government.

Obviously this isn’t coming from any personal experience regarding child rearing. I’m twenty years old and like to think I’m fairly aware of the poor quality of my fatherly abilities. In other words I have none, which is why I don’t make stolid, reckless decisions to impregnate women. I’m a stranger to motherhood or fatherhood, but my decision to remain out of that arena has allowed me to see how horribly incompetent and moronic a lot of you mommies and daddies actually are. This includes but is not limited to those of you who thought it would be a fun and trendy idea to fertilize with or become fertilized by the hardy sperm at the ripe age of 16. My grievances with your stupid impulsiveness also encompasses the parents who should be old enough and mature enough to know how to take care of their brood.

I’m not pretentious enough to think that raising children is a cakewalk, because taking care of sticky, smelly, goblins sounds dreadful. Those little bastards are demon-spawn that wreak havoc on the mental integrity of anyone they come in contact with. I do not like children. But that’s probably why I’m choosing not to have them now isn’t it?

First off, I’m getting a little tired of these adolescent cum-repositories skittering around their high schools with a fatass gut protruding from their torso. While this degeneration could also include people who can’t put their Big Mac’s and syrupy bubble water down long enough to take a fucking walk, the degenerates I’m referring to are the one’s carrying around Tims, Jennifers, and Steves (though the names some of these shit-balls are given these days are usually far more fucking goofy) inside of them. Since when did pregnancy, an aesthetically similar condition to obesity, become “cute” and “trendy”? Once upon a time it’s only purpose was to keep the human species alive. Those were the days when men were men; Hairy, smelly brutes who slaughtered furry elephants and lived in their carcasses. Women carried units inside of them at all times, but for a very essential purpose. Nowadays there is no reasonable scenario I can think of where an immature 16 year old girl would be preparing to raise a child of their own. They can’t even take care of themselves yet, and they expect support on their decision to ruin their own life and the life of a child? Get fucking real. Oh you’re dropping out of high school? Maaaybe finishing it and getting a GED so you can work 80 hour weeks for the rest of your life while your child gets obese off of the leftover burgers you take home from McDonalds? Get your own shit straight before bringing someone else into the world who has to share in the rotten fruit of your indiscretion.

Now, provided that you’re a mother or father of modest means who got their life in order before deciding to start a family, don’t think that you can just walk away and expect your kid to just turn out fine. It’s worth clarifying that my idea of a “life in order” is more than just not living with mommy and daddy anymore. Your life isn’t in order until you make an annual salary sufficiently above the poverty line, and you actually have some quality of life. Sadly just because children today are being raised in a potentially adequate environment, doesn’t necessarily make it so. This is where the title of “parent” actually comes into place.

The television is not a babysitter.

Any parent who dumps their kid in front of a TV to play video games or watch shows and movies, deserves to be kneed in the mouth. You wonder why your kid is an unsightly pile of sagging protoplasm? Maybe it’s because he’s 10 and still hasn’t traversed ten feet of your four acre yard, you stuck up yuppie faggot. Plop your kid outside, give him a stick, and tell him to go have some  fun. That’s all you need when you’re a kid. A stick. When I was little I spent hours pretending I was a knight, digging to China, or making stick forts. Send your kids outside to play with the neighbors so they can develop social skills that reruns of CSI can’t provide.

“There’s no manual on how to raise kids!”

That’s actually a lie bigger than the craters on your cottage cheese ass. Turns out there are literally thousands of books and manuals on child rearing.

Pick one (or all) of them up and read it. I know that may be hard because you actually have to do something that involves minute amounts of comprehension, but I have faith that you can do it. Unless you’re just using the “There’s no manual” argument as an excuse to slack off of your duties. Pussy.

Don’t sue someone every time your kid gets a boo-boo

Ever wonder why there’s no more dodgeball in school? Because these rich, greedy asshole parents like to sue schools whenever their child gets hit with a ball in gym class. They throw thousands of dollars at lawyers who make a horse-shit case about how the school was participating in “exclusionary and violent acts that negatively impacted the child’s self-esteem” which forces the school to remove dodgeball from the gym class curriculum. This trend continues and before you know it there won’t be any gym class at all, freeing up an empty class period which then becomes nap time. At least until their kid has a bad dream and the parents sue the school for “attempting to conduct psychological warfare” on the students’ so GOOD BYE NAP TIME. Ever think that participating in strenuous activities could actually do your kid some good? Instead of crying to your lawyer every time something minor happens to your kid, maybe you should tell the fat fuck that they’re WRONG. The all powerful character building words of “wrong” “loser” and “do better” go a long way. Maybe if you took your faggoty bluetooth phone out for long enough to talk to your kid and tell him that he’s not always a winner, he wouldn’t be quite as large of a drooping vagina as you are. It’s your fault that school sports don’t have winners and losers anymore. EVERYONE wins, because if they don’t you’ll explosively defecate law suits all over the place accusing the school of being “exclusionary”.

Take care of your fucking kids because when you don’t, the burden lands on me; the taxpayer. Whose taxes do you think go to the schools to update their curriculum every time you cornhole it with your lawsuits? Mine.

And you, little miss “16 and Pregnant Cuntflap”. Where do you think this money you’re getting as welfare is coming from? Me. The taxpayer. Your impulsive immature actions put a strain on you, your child, and everyone else in your country.

Knock this shit off.

The modern world is no longer an infant in our history. Looking at the clock of the past, modernity has not yet even reached minute one. Such a simplistic view sheds no light on the strife recent humans have endured, and therefore is an inadequate gauge of progress. In terms of political, economic, social, moral, technological, religious, militaristic and exploratory endeavors, we’ve accomplished more in the past 400 years than all of history combined. Petty squabbles over land and territory gave way to enslavement and tyrannical rule all in the interest of those in power, keeping their power. The idea of equality eventually morphed the Dukes and Kings into Elected Officials; Presidents. Governments formed around the interests of their denizens, rather than the greed and paranoia of those thought to have divine right. Through wars that have defined and liberated millions; rebellions that gave control to the individual. Conflicts that have established fair reign and free thought across the globe. The introduction of prosperity to every man and woman alive. Decisions made that lead to thousands of innocents’ vaporization and their homes left in ruin. Massacres of those dogmatic in their beliefs, willing to die for their view of the greater good. The present has been defined by blood shed, and blood saved. An era of great sacrifice and great progress being fought every step of the way by the remnants of a tyrannical past, and those with visions of an autocratic future. These events and many like them loaded the barrel of the gun pointed at the head of the world, and put our collective finger on the trigger. That gun has remained loaded and cocked, but our hand has set it down. Diplomacy and peace is the path of light while war and bloodshed is the path of dark. We’ve strayed from both, and are heading down a colorless path not yet defined by history.

Our collective hand is the willpower, the passion, the ambition, and the desire of every man woman and child in existence. The past has shown us what humans can accomplish when armed with the unyielding human spirit, and the dedication to sculpt a better world. Sadly, the present has dove into a pool of self-righteous false enthusiasm.

Allow me to direct your attention to fictional present day American, Robert Smith. He is an average man with an Associates Degree and a fair paying managerial job at the local shipping company. His good work ethic rewards him with a modest annual salary somewhere in the vicinity of $40,000 a year. He was at work one day and noticed some misconduct involving a higher up executive, Steve Goodman, the man in charge of enforcing safety regulations in the warehouse. Robert Smith had noticed empty beer cans and liquor bottles in Goodman’s office. Robert brought the matter to Steve’s attention, and told him that his drinking on the job must be reported to Human Resources. Now Steve Goodman enjoyed a much higher salary than Robert Smith, and had a pompous attitude to go with his money. He slipped Robert a wad containing multiple hundred-dollar bills, and told him that he never saw anything in regards to the aforementioned alcohol. Robert Smith, being the greedy self-indulgent American he is, was bought off and silenced. Being the crafty consumer he was, Smith stopped by Sears on the way home and picked up a toaster equipped with 3G capabilities and slots for corn dogs. He traded his beliefs and moral fiber in for a gizmo that will only serve to increase his cholesterol and keep him updated on Justin Bieber’s Twitter feed while in the kitchen.

Later that night, Robert Smith returned home after a long day’s work in order to enjoy the fruits of his corruption. He turns on his TV and recognizes his workplace on the news. The shipping company’s warehouse had exploded. Apparently a warehouse worker had lit up a cigarette next to the facility’s propane supply, which had a valve that someone did not close tightly causing propane to seep out. Smith quickly grabbed his laptop and logged onto Facebook. “Turn on the 6 O’ Clock News! How can such negligence be allowed to happen in today’s society! Like this status if you think we need to increase safety standards in the workplace!” is what he wrote. He got a new job as a Regional Director for a logistics company in the area, and carried on with his life never to care about workplace safety again.

This is the attitude, and the self-righteous self-indulgent ultra-hedonistic mindset of so many people in the world today. The same story can be applied to almost any situation.

Look at how people are reacting to Joseph Kony, a Ugandan warlord who is responsible for some indisputably cruel crimes against humanity. He was popular for less than a month, and already is becoming forgotten. He was performing similar acts as he is now since before most people complaining about him were even floating in the moist warmth of the womb.

People like Kony are what this world used to be full of. Ambitious individuals who are so adamant in their causes that they’re willing to make immense sacrifices in order to succeed. Hitler did the same thing. Yes, I’m well aware that the consensus is that these people committed horrible acts and deserve only the worst. Think about the people from the past who took strides in the right (or what we consider right) direction. Ben Franklin, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Galileo, Colombus, Magellan, Washington, Lincoln, Edison, Rockefeller, Issac Newton, Alexander the Great, Einstein, Martin Luther King Jr. hell even JESUS. Even if everything in the bible is complete bullshit, Jesus has still shaped the world in a way that very few others have.

We need another great leader, or great incident to restore this lost population of people to what they’re supposed to be. The world is a sleeping giant being bought and silenced by those with the money. The increasing gaps between the rich and poor everywhere is just a stepping stone to the eventual decay of everything our forefathers have built. This world needs more Joseph Kony’s, Joseph Stalin’s, Adolf Hitler’s, Fidel Castro’s, Osama bin Laden’s, Saddam Hussein’s, Genghis Khan’s, Grigori Rasputin’s, and Kim Jong Ill’s, or World Wars. Something. ANYTHING, to wake up this sleeping giant that we are. The world has become fat and lazy. Bought and silenced by the rich. The common men who once fought for the simple right to think freely have now been satisfied with a neat gizmo, a fun gadget or a cool toy.

WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

Joining a cause group on Facebook will do nothing.
Informing people of current events via Facebook statuses will do nothing provided others follow your example of self-righteous false enthusiasm.
Get off of your ass and make a difference.
I have volunteered at a soup kitchen multiple times. I can say I made a difference, however small it may be. I’m nowhere near the level of someone like Abraham Lincoln. Rick Haertle isn’t carved in the annals of time where my name will echo for all eternity.
But at least I didn’t tell other people to help the homeless and then just sit on my ass squeezing the free stress ball I got for signing the “Feed the Hungry” petition.

Make a difference, or let Kony do it for you. And when he does, you’ll have no right to bitch about how awful the world is since you let it happen.

Without fail, every time I go to the grocery store I find “Mini-Bibles” littering the ground and occupying space in trash cans. I really began to notice this shit when I worked at Pick n Save (a grocery store for those of you who don’t live in the Midwest) when I had to empty the garbage cans outside. One day I noticed this little white book sitting on top of the garbage can which read “Pocket New Testament” so I threw it in the garbage and went on with my day. The next day I saw another one of these little books, and thought it was a book of matches. Upon closer inspection it was another Bible. So I threw it away, and once again went on with my day. On the third day I saw another bible on top of the same garbage can, so I threw it away out of spite. Again and again I would find these little bastards all over my store, and I wondered what kind of person would be trying to ruin my clean floors with this trash. I took it as my sworn duty to keep my store clean, and for this I was rewarded with $7.35 every hour in addition to a 15 minute leisure period.

The day came where I confronted the man who was tarnishing my floors and filling my garbage cans to capacity with their fictitious literature. I had done my daily sweep of the area, tending to the garbage cans that needed emptying. I was throwing out the matchbook style bibles I found, when a middle aged overweight man approached me and yelled at me for doing so. His double chins expanded and contracted as he told me that he likes to lay these out for people in order to “spread the word of God”. To which I responded that we can’t have religious literature in our store. He became angry and belligerent so I had no choice but to summon my manager, who promptly removed him from the store. For the time succeeding the self appointed reverend’s ejaculation from the store, my garbage can lids remained free of matchbook pocket bibles, with the exception of a few occasions around Easter time. Though I no longer work in the food retail business I offer my service, as a guardian angel of stores. I dispose of any religious readings I find tainting up the lobbies and floors of other people’s facilities.

I never properly understood the motivation for people dumping this trash on everyone. I certainly don’t shit my Atheist beliefs onto everyone’s face and ears, so I don’t see what makes these Theist assholes think that their message wants to be heard any more than mine. Church is Church for a reason; so people can go of their own free will. Believe me overweight wannabe-priest man at Pick n Save. If we want to go to Church, we will. And if we want to believe, we will. The responsibility of converting the world to your bullshit beliefs cannot simply fall on your shoulders alone. Just leave it be, because all you serve to do with this is make the Atheists and Agnostics more adamant in their positions of disbelief.

Go ahead and enjoy Japanese/Asian culture and Anime all you want. No, don’t even do it because I’m giving you permission. Do it because it’s your human right to choose what you’re interested in. That’s where my humanitarianism ends, because I’m sick of seeing weeaboo faggots self-labeling themselves “Otaku”.

For the loser weeaboos reading this, I want you to know how your choice of identity is perceived by a good number of us normal folk. You can cry and bitch about how mean people are towards you, but at the end of the day I have just as much of a right to call you a faggot as you do to express yourself in your profoundly homosexual ways.

No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be Asian.

This is almost a universal requirement to be a weeaboo, which is why nearly every weeaboo tries as hard as they can to be Asian. This includes buying contacts to enlarge the iris and pupil as to give them “Anime eyes” and dressing up in cosplay attire at inappropriate times (namely, all the time.) Some weeaboos go the extra mile and say they were actually born in Japan in a past life (which is usually alluding to an Anime they like, where a character had a past life.) Just because it happened in a TV show, doesn’t mean it’s possible in real life. And you bitch at your parents for not letting you watch R rated movies because they’e afraid that you can’t distinguish television from real life. Their fears are justified in this scenario, because claiming you’re Asian though both of your parents are of European descent. You’re also dressing up as Naruto for a trip to the grocery store. Neither of these are appropriate behaviors. Unless your skill set includes going back in time and altering who your father deposits his genetic material in, (or who your mother accepts genetic material from) you will never have Asian ancestors. Even for the weeaboos who are from Asian descent. Just because your triple great grandmother was 25% Laotian doesn’t mean you’re 100% Japanese like you tend to hint at with you clothing and actions.

Wearing cosplay costumes makes you look childish…

Though it’s sometimes hot.

I’m an honorable man who gives credit where it’s due. Some cosplay girls are insanely hot. There are a number of ways I fantasize about mating with certain cosplay girls, usually while I’m trying to fall asleep.

Cosplay is absolutely fine with me in an appropriate setting. Comic-Con, E3, Halloween and Star Trek Conventions are all appropriate occasions to dress up as your favorite characters. My relationship with religion is the same. Preach in your Church, not at the porn store. When I’m picking up my copy of Ball Busting Anal Whores 4: The Moaning of Eternity, the last thing I need is a child molester telling me I’m a bad person. Trips to McDonald’s are not acceptable occasions to cosplay, especially if you are obese or otherwise unsightly. When I go to McDonald’s it takes a strong stomach to tolerate the insane asylum decor with the dirty ground and counters. I know you’re trying to help, but that decor doesn’t need to include you and your trainwreck body crammed into an ill-fitting miniskirt topped with a pink wig. McDonald’s is already gross enough. Wearing your Bleach costume at the grocery store makes you look childish as hell. When people wear this shit as every day apparel, all I see is a big sign saying “LOOK AT ME. I WANT ATTENTION.” dangling from their necks.

It’s great that you’re interested in other cultures. Now stop cramming it down my throat.

Perhaps the most unbearable aspect of you faggots prancing around in your costumes proclaiming your love of Japan, is the fact that you feel the need to make it known to everyone you meet. That right there is a red flag the size of the Great Pyramids that you crave attention. The fact that there’s people who love Anime and find Japanese culture enthralling is terrific. It’s great that people are interested in other cultures. It’s what makes this country so diverse. The fact that there’s people who love Japanese history makes me even happier! Those who ignore history are bound to repeat it. I have no interest in Asian culture. I’ve indulged myself in it and learned a lot, but I never had a great interest in the ways of the Samurai or the Shang Dynasty. I get more enjoyment out of European and American history. I love American and European culture as well. How am I not being a hypocrite? Because of the simple fact that I’m not dressing up as Joseph Stalin and parading around my city telling everyone that I’m related to him and that Russia is the best country ever. I keep my interests to myself when I’m dealing with strangers. When I go to the grocery store I go there to buy food, not have someone’s beliefs and interests shoved into my mouth and punched down into my stomach. That only causes irritation constipation. The same goes for religious assholes preaching about their silly beliefs in public places. I don’t want to hear it. Keep your interests to yourself, or between friends. Hell, it’s fine to spark up a conversation with a stranger on an apparent common interest. My point is that you don’t need a pink wig to do that.

Otaku translates to “Loser who sits at home.”

By labeling yourself “Otaku” you’re stupidly insulting yourself without knowing it. Otaku means someone who is interested or good at something to a near religious extent. The definition also includes, someone who spends all of their time at home practicing the aforementioned interest or skill. It literally is the equivalent of a recluse or hermit. You know the guy who sits at home and masturbates all day with the shades drawn? He’s a masturbation otaku. Stop labeling yourself as stupid things. The idea behind labels is so society can group you into a cluster of similar people, and pick out stereotypes. By labeling yourself, you’re asking for stereotypes. Labeling people is a practice that will never go away, even though so many people hate it. Almost all labels are bad or have some negative connotation; big or small. Stop doing it.

You aren’t Asian. You’re a middle class suburbanite with an appetite for attention.

Cosplay is not appropriate in a public setting, unless you want to appear childish.

I love German history, do I dress up as Hilter and skitter about my city telling you about it? No. Don’t do the same with your interests.

Otaku translates to hermit. The only reason you’d label yourself that is if you’ve suffered some sort of cerebral trauma, or don’t actually know what it means. This is an otaku.

I’ll even take a break from my usual abrasive Atheist attitude for [most of] this article, because my problems with Lent aren’t religious. They’re realistic issues, and problems I have with it’s practicality (of which there is none.) I would like to clarify that when I say “God” I’m simply referring to the idea of a god. I’ve carved it in stone that I don’t believe in a higher power so don’t crawl up my ass like so many people do when I say “Oh my God!” It’s an expression dicknose. And exclaiming “Oh my Science!” would make me look like a giant faggot. I’ll even capitalize “God” to keep you fundamentalist assholes happy.

Lent is the religious equivalent of “Don’t Buy Gas Day.” It’s a monumental waste of time and effort. The purpose of Don’t Buy Gas Day is solid, yet its application and relevance is laughable. Only a small population of people will decide not to fill their tanks up on one day of the year. And since any gas station with a decent amount of sense will raise prices the next day, they’ll actually profit off of this silly ass shit because people will just buy gas the next day.

Lent is only a little different since it takes place over 40 days instead of one. Also, and this is the big thing. Everyone’s “sacrifices” end up being slight inconveniences that can just be substituted with something else. Oh you gave up McDonald’s for Lent? I guess that means you can still stuff your face with Taco Bell. You’re going to work out more over Lent? Cool. But the day Lent ends I bet you anything your cankles won’t touch that treadmill until society tells you to again. You’re not kidding anyone, especially me. Lent is a bogus tradition that religious people practice in order to feel good about appeasing a man in the stars.

If you really wanted to change yourself, you’d do it. You don’t need a religious reason (or any reason) to better yourself. The same goes for New Year’s Resolutions. The fact that it’s a new year doesn’t mean you need to change anything, and if that’s your only motivation then you really don’t care that much. I say this to everyone who bitches about themselves. If there’s something you don’t like, change it or accept it. It really is that simple. If you want to change you’ll do it, if you don’t you won’t. I was upset with my weight, so over three months I lost 27 pounds. My motivation was that I wanted to be healthier and look better. I did it for my own reasons, and for myself. Changing yourself for others is counterproductive in this respect. Unless you want to change, you probably won’t.

Here’s a test to see how dedicated you are to Lent. Give up Facebook. Oh that’s too hard? Interesting. I guess God isn’t worth that much.

Lent, DBGD, New Year’s Resolutions, and any other silly social influences to make people change themselves are all the same. Just silly traditions revolving around manipulating people. There’s always someone profiting.

Just think about it. Do you really think your God cares that you’re sacrificing a couple of cheeseburgers over a period of forty days? Get fucking real. He doesn’t.

During every argument, chances are good that someone will throw out a silly misleading statistic or spout nonsense in the form of what they call “logic”. Note that by me saying “chances are good” I’m not spitting fraudulent statistics. So before you crawl up my ass for being a hypocrite, understand that me saying “chances are good” just implies that I’ve dealt with the aforementioned stupidity with some frequency. Now, in order to clarify what I mean by bullshit statistics, I’ll shoot out an example or two. It’s when people say “You’re more likely to die in the bathtub than by lightning.” or the other variety “You swallow 8 spiders in your sleep every year!”. The ball-licking logic I mentioned earlier is simply “If you’re not <A> then you’re <B>.” A better example would be “If you don’t believe in God then you’re a terrorist!” Something I’ve actually been told before.

The problem with people quoting and comparing untrue statistics is that they have no idea what they’re saying, since they don’t actually know where the information is coming from. Sure, you’re more likely to die in your bathtub opposed to an electrical storm in the same sense that you’re more likely to die from working at a saw mill than eating a block of cheese. One is clearly more dangerous in the second equation, but is in actuality the same bullshit statistic. All the statistic is, is <Deaths in situation A> divided by <Total population> compared to <Deaths in situation B> divided by <Total population>. And the situation with the more deaths is clearly the more dangerous. But it doesn’t work that way. Unless you’re an impressionable moron. Then it works exactly that way. Excluding the population of people who don’t practice good hygiene, I think it’s fair to assume that most people in this country spend more time cleaning themselves in the tub, than frolicking about in an electrical storm. I spend 10 minutes in the shower at least 5 times a week. There’s no reason to shower when the most intense exercise I did the day before was struggling with opening a bag of chips. So, sue me. Now, that averages 50 minutes of showering a week. And at 52 weeks in a year, that equals around 43 hours a year spent in the shower. Last year I spent maybe 2 hours frolicking about in a thunderstorm. Considering that there are a fair amount of storms in Wisconsin for half of the year, I’m willing to bump that number up to 3 hours in order to include people who frolic in lightning in places that storm year round. Let’s do a quick comparison. You spend about 12-15 times more time in the tub per year than in lightning. You’re more likely to die at a saw mill opposed to enjoying some cheese for the same reason, provided your place of employment is at a sawmill. You spend much more time there. The other factor is the inherent danger. Let’s take a look at the shower vs. a storm.

Ways of dying in the tub:

• Slipping and breaking your neck
• Slipping and banging the head thus creating a fatal brain aneurysm
• Old age
• An existing condition
• Making toast in the tub
• Drowning
• Suicide
• Water allergy
• Eating too much soap and shampoo
• Getting a towel lodged in your throat
• Rapists

Ways of dying from lightning:

• Electrocution
• Cardiac arrest
• Prancing around outside with a long metal pole
• Ben Franklin impersonation
• Being cursed with bad luck for desecrating an Indian burial ground

As you can see, there are far numerous and far more believable ways to die in the tub. Simply because there are more things to do in the tub and more things that can go wrong. Some of them, such as old age or rapists could attack you in an electrical storm. But I think I made my point that there are more inherent dangers in occupying a bathtub, even though they aren’t necessarily as fatal or likely as death by electrocution. If you get shocked by lightning, you’re probably going to die.

Let’s take a look at the other group of statistics.

Working at a saw mill:

• Various dismemberment (All-encompassing of the infinite ways one could be mangled)
• Other on-site accidents

Eating a block of cheese:

• Severe lactose intolerance which causes diarrhea and you die of dehydration
• Bacterial infection
• Asphyxiation
• It contained the AIDS virus
• Your teeth stuck in it and were ripped out by the stickiness of the cheese. You died of blood loss.

Though there are more ways to die from eating that golden dairy delight, it is not more dangerous than cutting logs all day with a saw spinning at 9,000 RPM. Even if some website tells you that cheese is more dangerous than post-lumberjacking labor.

This is a fairly barbaric approach, but I think my point is solid. You can’t quote statistics without providing some sort of background to how the information was gathered. There are too many outside factors that will skew results to be simply comparing one to two. And whenever you do that, you look like an idiot hanging onto a argumentative cliff for dear life. A moron without any real knowledge of what you’re talking about. You don’t swallow 8 spiders a year either. That fact was made up in 1993 in a test to prove that people are gullible and willing to believe anything called a statistic. Even more in depth, that fact was made up in the 1950’s in a book of insect folklore.

Ball-licking logic is a little different, but follows in the same vein of unsupported facts and regurgitation of things heard from others. A good example; one I’ve heard many times before. Is “If you don’t change your own oil, you’re a pussy.” A lot of guys who try to act macho and tough like to shit this out of their mouths to support how they think about themselves. There are not only two answers to every equation. I choose not to change my own oil because:

• It’s a bitch
• I don’t want to cover my hands in inedible fluid
• If I get it changed at a garage, I can get a free car wash
• It’s no cheaper to change it yourself

I know how to change my oil, but I choose not to. I’m a very busy man. My computer won’t play itself. Onto my favorite one, “If you don’t believe in God then you’re a terrorist!” I don’t remember who or when I was told this, but I’m pretty sure it was a few years ago with someone who was badgering me about being an Atheist. Clearly the only reason I don’t believe in God is because I’m an informant working for Al Qaeda and I wish to detonate a nuclear warhead in the heart of Washington D.C. Nice job Sherlock. You got me.

Most questions don’t just have one answer. Especially questions that don’t have an apparent answer. Assumptions make an ass out of you and make me want to sew your dogmatic lips shut.

Knock this shit off.

And people aren’t jealous of you because you have one. Jamming it down our throats that you’re 17 and going to bars isn’t the way to get people to think you’re cool, and is at the same level as taking half-nude pictures of your trainwreck body and shoving them on Facebook. The last thing I want to see when I log in is the bulbous carapace of a skanky high school sea-cow. One day you’ll realize that popularity in high school doesn’t actually carry over to your life out of school. But that doesn’t stop you does it?! Because I see kids (I use the term “kids” since a person who is 20 and can’t handle the fact that they aren’t old enough to participate in a single activity, isn’t an adult) older than me skittering around with their silly little fakes, spending all the pocket change they made at their dead end job as a cashier. It’s almost as if you don’t realize that your future as an alcoholic broke bastard will be waiting for you when you turn 21. The only difference then will be that you’ll have a few less Federal document forgery charges to complement your new toilet hugging lifestyle. Anyone who can’t wait a couple of years to drink at a bar should probably save themselves the slow agonizing death of liver cancer and divorce by shoving a beehive into their ass post-haste.

Another behavior these kids have in common with Downs Syndrome patients is that they insist on polluting conversations by bringing up their cute little fake IDs numerous times. There’s also always at least one lame-ass story of their trip to the local dive bar, inhabited by the neighborhood child molester and the neighborhood deadbeat dad. Congratulations! You made it into a bar that has such poor business that they’d have allowed you in even if you looked five. Nice job! Now go back to school and get a job with health benefits.

It’s not my fault that I set my Facebook status to something personal and retarded! An intergalactic race of space-worms infested my house, and took me hostage. After twenty minutes of aerating the soil in my potted plants they began to bore through my ear canals. They wriggled through to my brain and settled in my neocortex. They then fused their brain matter with my neurons in order to control my motor functions! They used this awesome power in order to *gasp* post stupid shit on my Facebook! It isn’t my fault!

Go choke, please. Everyone knows intergalactic space-worms can’t survive five minutes in Earth’s Nitrogen rich atmosphere. What kind of moron do you take me for?

Extraterrestrial annelids aside, it really baffles me how utterly retarded people can be when it comes to posting personal statuses on Facebook. It’s either not their fault, or not your business. I see this shit all the time, and each time I hope the person who posts it gets hit in their genitalia with a frozen crowbar so they can’t breed and fill the world with equally stupid children.

Now, it’s time to stop talking theoretics and start talking specifics. I’m sure we all have that friend (or many friends, since this is such common behavior) who will change their status to something retarded and personal. It could be anything, but it’s usually something relevant (to a 16 year old) and controversial (once again, to a 16 year old). Generally I see people post something self-empowering, often in reference to an ex girlfriend or boyfriend. Something that boosts their ego, and belittles the aforementioned ex. Then, some third party person not in the situation will reply to the status with a response that doesn’t praise OP’s glory (I’m not defining OP. You should know it). Instead of devising an opinionated response, the reply usually says something along these lines.

GET OFF MY FB! THIS DOESN’T CONCERN YOU!!! WRYYYYY YOUR* SUCH A LOSER GET A LIFE!!!!!!11!!!!11ONE!!!!1!!!!

*They also rarely know when to use the correct form of your/you’re.

However, if someone praises OP by saying “Yeah girl, you don’t need a maaan!!” or something to that effect, usually OP’s response will be something like.

Awww thanks giiiiiiirl! <insert unnecessary hearts and smiley faces> Its time to enjoy being single (code for “a whore”)!!!

What? Could it be that the poster is just out to get attention? No, that can’t be right! After all, 16 year old kids are known for their maturity and ability to control their cravings for attention. Get real. If you didn’t want attention and it actually was “nobody’s business” you wouldn’t have posted it in the first place. It really is that simple. If I were to go downtown in a predominantly black neighborhood wearing a minority-hate shirt and I spouted vile racist things, I would get shot, stabbed and raped in that order. It wouldn’t fly with fictional Milwaukee north-sider “Darnell Johnson” if I told him “This is nobody’s business but my own! Shut up and go away!” The situations aren’t exactly the same, but the message is. If you’re offended by me calling you an attention whoring little kid, then you have two options. One, change your behavior to something I find to be more tolerable than week old horse semen. Or two, suck it up and stop caring about what people think of you. But don’t act like you really don’t want people to take sides on your issues, because that’s exactly what you want them to do. You want people to side with you, and pity you. Because the second they don’t, then the matter suddenly becomes private and only of your concern.

There’s a cool little invention called a pen, and another nifty thing called paper. Over the past few millennia we humans have created language and an alphabet, which can be used to visualize language. Using the power of words, a pen and paper, you have the ability to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal of some sort. This way, you aren’t expecting attention or for people to take sides because it actually is nobody’s business but yours! Once you post something on Facebook it becomes a public matter, so stop telling people that your problems are none of their business. To be fair, the problem I listed earlier isn’t something I could see anybody caring about in the first place. But I’m not here to tell people how to spend their time more than to show them how their actions are perceived.

Facebook is not your private journal. If you don’t want people to reply to your stupid shit and call you a retard, maybe you should think before you mash enter and post yet another shit stain.

The world isn’t your problem. You, are your problem.

I spend a lot of time on Craigslist trying to make a quick buck off of shit I have but never use. Coincidentally, I spend about an equal amount of time perusing Craigslist and buying shit that eventually ends up laying around my house. It’s a vicious circle (cycle). The majority of the time I spend on Craigslist is in the cars+trucks and motorcycles sections. Over the years I’ve seen people post some decent things in profoundly stupid ways, often using words and techniques to lure in potential customers which actually make less-than-no sense. I’ve seen silly spelling errors, repugnant wording and frankly retarded phrasing. I’d like to share some of my findings.

Manuel Transmission

Has a 5-speed manuel transmission.

The target word is “manual” yet it is mistaken with the Spanish and Portuguese name “Manuel”. However, Manuel is more prominently known as the name bestowed upon many Mexican males. A manual transmission, is where the driver operates the gears at which the car shifts between in order to achieve greater acceleration at given speeds. As a reference point, an automatic transmission is where the car does it (wait for it) automatically. Now, a Manuel transmission is a very cost effective way to operate a car’s gearbox as long as there is a steady introduction of tacos, fajitas, burritos, or quesadillas into the engine compartment. With a Mexican-American sandwich to munch on, the Manuel transmission will happily operate a lever which changes gear at the appropriate time. I whipped up a quick sketch for you.
 As you can see, the Mexican man operates the transmission from inside the engine compartment. His work ethic allows for unrivaled reliability, even in cold weather.

Will go as low as

I’m asking for $5,500 but will go as low as $5,000.

The stupidity of this wording is pretty obvious after a quick glance. Why would I pay $5,500 when you’ve just admitted that you’ll go as low as $5,000? You’re supposed to set that limit in your head, dipshit. When someone makes an offer under that limit, you tell them to come up a little. Are you expecting me to say, “You seem like a nice guy so I’m gonna put aside the fact that I’m looking for a good deal and pay you MORE than the minimum you’ll accept.” Try again, Captain Dumbfuck.

ENTIRE AD IS IN CAPS

I’M SELLING A 1998 TOYOTA COROLLA. GREAT RELIABILITY AND EXCEPTIONAL GAS MILEAGE. HAS A 1.4L I4 ENGINE etc.

When I’m looking to buy something I usually don’t like to be screamed at and/or verbally assaulted. This is why I hang up on telemarketers and have never bought from Billy Mays. Caps Lock implies screaming and/or verbal assault, the two techniques Billy Mays employs. You’re not Mr. Mays. It (kind of) worked for him, but doesn’t work too well for anyone else. Capital and lower case letters exist for a reason. Use them.

RICK PEPPERJACK IS THE SEXIEST MOTHERFUCKER ON EARTH.

Rick PepperJack is the sexiest motherfucker on Earth.

While both statements have the same level of truth, which one is easier and more pleasant to read? Hint: If you chose the first one, you’re an idiot.

Numerous spelling errors

Selin a 1993 Biuck Centruy!! got a 3.8leeter Vsix ayngun.

Nothing screams low class, impoverished, illiterate asshole than being unable to spell easy words. Words you should know, especially when it’s literally on the object you’re trying to sell. A simple glance at the side of a 1993 Buick Century yields the word “Century” as well as the word “Buick” if you glance at the rear. If I have to dissect an entire ad to be able to find out what exactly I’m looking at, whoever posted it clearly doesn’t want me to buy it. I doubt you would feel comfortable buying from someone who has a tenuous grasp of the English language and alphabet, so don’t be that person.

No offers? INCREASE THE PRICE!

<Use in a sentence not available.>

So, you’ve just posted an ad for a car but don’t have a very good idea of what it’s worth. The car you’re trying to sell is a 1964 Ford Falcon, which doesn’t have information in the Kelley Blue Book. It’s condition is in a gray area where it runs well and is fine as it is, but requires restoration for it to be anything head-turning. Engine mileage is low, there is no external rust and some light work has been done. $4,500 is a fair price to start at to feel out the market. After two weeks, you have not received any offers. A logical person would assume that the price is too steep for someone looking for that car. Either that, or someone willing to pay $4,500 for it hasn’t stumbled upon the ad. Both of these situations do no warrant jacking the price to $5,000. I’ve seen the same car show up at an inflated price many many times. This is one of the stupidest techniques I’ve ever seen before. People like me who look on Craigslist daily remember certain cars and to a somewhat lesser extent, the price of said cars. It’s bad enough thinking that what you have is worth a million dollars, but it’s worse to have the audacity to think that people aren’t biting because they aren’t being asked to pay enough! Get real. Before you post something you have no knowledge of, do a little research. Fifteen minutes can go a long way and save a lot of time and effort. If you neglect this step or can’t find enough information, by all means throw your ad out there and sniff out the market. But don’t act like people aren’t willing to rip you off, because they are. Nobody will tell you if you’re asking less than it’s worth, but they certainly will tell you that you’re asking too much. Don’t be an idiot.

The sad part is that this I’ve seen all of this so many times that I have certain instances cemented in my mind. Such raw stupidity has managed to burn itself into my head. People can tell when you act like a dumbshit, and it only hurts you.